orange black tea

"she was consumed by 3 simple things: 
drink, despair, loneliness; and 2 more: 
youth and beauty" 
Charles Bukowsky. 
I'm not the kind a girl who wants to live happily ever after. Poate din cauza asta am refuzat si am parasit. Pentru ca aveam impresia ca asta se dorea de la mine. I want something real.

"I have died too many times 
believing and waiting, waiting 
in a room 
staring at a cracked ceiling 
waiting for the phone, a letter, a knock, a sound... 
going wild inside 
while she danced with strangers in nightclubs... "

i wonder many things. My head is chasing shadows. Solitude. Empty house. An arm around me would've been good. I live where my mind lives. I no longer have faith or hope. I need to let go. I can only think of a glass of wine. But i choose not to. I choose not to care, not to look and to hide or run as i'm used to and as you know. I walked in the rain. In the pouring rain, my hands were cold, with a cigarette between my fingers, my eyes that could barely see in distance( without my glasses) and the teardrops stopped before they could've have been seen. The smoke was returning towards me, just like my obssesive thoughts, they don't want to leave me. Understandable. All i could think of was the fact that i wanted to lay there. Just to lay there. In the pouring rain. With no memory of his smile, of his touch, of his smell. With nothingness. Just with the hope that will be better after the rain will be gone. it's late, i worked all day long... i came home, instead of wine, i drank orange black tea.